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Friendship Rx
When Disrespect, Gossip or Drama are Going Down With Your Friends, Respect is Always the Remedy
By Courtney Macavinta
We girls need our friends like the air we breathe and the cute shirts on our backs. Yet sometimes friendships get not so friendly when disrespect takes over. Gossip. Competition. Put-downs. Pressure. Misunderstandings. Is this what true friendship is all about? No way. Sisterhood is all about being there for each other and saying how you feel without fear.
Even if a friendship is going strong, it might need some Rx. It may require boosting the mutual respect with friends. In most cases, setting a boundary will do the trick. This means speaking up about what you need, saying how you want things to be, or stating what's so not OK with you.
Here are five common friendship dilemmas and suggested Rx:
Dilemma No. 1: Your friend is nice in private and icy in public
Rx: If your friend acts like you don't exist when you're around other people, she could be trying too hard to squeeze into the in-crowd. This is so not about you. But it is about your boundaries. Think: How do you want your friends to treat you and vice versa? Then ask for what you want.
Try saying: I love when we hang out at my house and we have so much fun—so it hurts my feelings when you ignore me at school. I need to know we're still good friends who respect each other no matter who is around. (And if she doesn't change her ways, see Dilemma No. 5 for more advice.)
Dilemma No. 2: Your BFF is a comic-in-training and you're always the butt of her jokes
Rx: Even if your friend's act is a total riot, you can still set the stage for more respect. Check your gut: Does it feel like she's trying to hurt you on purpose or have her jokes just gone too far? Either way, have a heart-to-heart with her before you go off out of anger or take more blows to your self-respect.
Try saying: You know I think you're super funny. Still, I feel embarrassed when you make fun of me in front of all our friends. I know you care about me so I want you to know how it makes me feel and that I need you to stop.
Dilemma No. 3: As head of your fave school club, your friend is acting more like a dictator than diplomat
Rx: For every girl to be herself—and change the world for the better—she has to speak her mind. At the same time, we have to hear each other out because that's what respect is all about. If you give your friend some honest feedback, she'll become a better leader and you'll be spreading respect for all.
Try saying: I've noticed that not everyone is getting the chance to speak up in club meetings. It would help if we could all have equal time to express our ideas. This will bring us all together and help us succeed.
Dilemma No. 4: You had an argument with a friend and she is talking about it to everyone
Rx: Gossip is not just girls being girls—it's a break of trust. If you want to mend your friendship, take a stand and be honest about your feelings.
Try saying: It made me sad when I heard you were talking to other people about what happened between us. I want us to come to each other first if we have a problem so we can work things out. Can we leave our friends out of it if we have an argument again?
Dilemma No. 5: Your BFF keeps blasting past your boundaries
Rx: When you set boundaries, you and your friends actually become closer because you're being honest about what's right for you. A true friend will work on respecting your boundaries better (just like you would). And if a friend just keeps blowing off your boundaries, ask yourself if she's the kind of "friend" you really want.
Try saying: Remember when I mentioned that it hurts my feelings when you ignore me at school but are nice to me after school? It happened again today. I want you to treat me the same way no matter who's around because that's how I know our friendship is real. If you don't want to do that, you need to let me know.
So the next time you're caught in a friendship dilemma, try these tips and don't forget—setting boundaries is not about shutting your friends out, but letting them in. If you share how you really feel (and listen closely when your friends do the same) respect will grow—and so will you.
Courtney Macavinta is co-author of RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed, Free Spirit Publishing.
uniquely ME! THE GIRL SCOUT/DOVE SELF-ESTEEM PROGRAM was established in the fall of 2001 to boost self-esteem among girls ages 8 to 17. The uniquely ME! resources are available for all girls. For more information, visit the girlscouts.org uniquely ME! Web page.
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