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Dr. M is the author of five advice books for tweens and teens. Her latest is Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years. She enjoys dancing, reading, working out and talking with young people about the issues that concern them. She holds a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology.
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Liz, a first-year college student, is the co-author of three books: Ask Dr. M and Liz; Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls, and Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? She loves to dance, paint, make collages, hang out with friends and, of course, give advice.
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Dear Dr. M & Liz,
I'm 14 years old and I have an older brother who's 16. I always seem to excel in what I do. (I don't mean to seem arrogant.) I'm great in school, great in sports. The problem is sometimes I just want to sit back and relax for a few minutes. I'm homeschooled (because the schools where I live aren't good) and any time that I get a B in a homework set or test, my parents want me to continue to work harder and say I haven't studied enough, even though they saw me study for three hours the night before. I now have a job at my parents' business (which they pretty much forced me into because they said it would keep me busy and be good for me) and I get called in to work all the time. Everyone expects me to be perfect. My family is obsessed with basketball. I have natural skill in basketball, but it's not something I LOVE. They made me go to my first prospect camp when I was in the seventh grade. Now I've been to three and they want me to go to another prospect camp. I keep telling them that I don't want to go, but they don't listen or understand why??!!! They both always tell me they would have loved to have the chance to go to prospect camp and play basketball in college. They don't understand that I'm different from them. I feel like my parents are trying to live through me. They don't do this to my brother. Please help!!!
—Molly, 14, North Carolina
Dear Molly,
You are evidently talented and hard-working as well as insightful. Many parents don't realize the kind of pressure they put their children under with their expectations. They say and do certain things because they want the best for their children, but don't always listen to what their children want or need. Your parents might not want to mention this to you, but they may have financial reasons for pushing you to excel in basketball as well as academics—the better you do, the more likely it is that you'll get a college scholarship. You showed respect for your parents' wishes by attending three prospect basketball camps. Explain to them why you no longer want to participate in these prospect camps and suggest some alternatives that would interest you more. Broaden the conversation to include the pressure you feel when you are constantly pushed to receive A's on every test and to spend so much time working in their business. An open dialogue might lead to a compromise that works for all of you.
—Dr. M
Dear Molly,
I think it's time for you to sit down with your parents and let them know exactly how you're feeling. Make sure that you do this at a time when you can be calm and logical, rather than right after they do or say something that bothers you. Explain how you feel you are being treated and how that differs from their treatment of your brother. Tell them how you wish they would deal with you instead. Good luck!
—Liz
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