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Dr. M is the author of five advice books for tweens and teens. Her latest is Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years. She enjoys dancing, reading, working out and talking with young people about the issues that concern them. She holds a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology.
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Liz, a first-year college student, is the co-author of three books: Ask Dr. M and Liz; Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls, and Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? She loves to dance, paint, make collages, hang out with friends and, of course, give advice.
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Dear Dr. M & Liz,
I've been having this feeling for the past two terms that my friend has been lying to me. I thought it was just me because I was deeply hurt in primary by a friend and I still have problems in friendships. I don't know what to do and whenever I talk to her I feel like she's lying and the feeling was getting deeper every time. Last week she was having a birthday party but then she told me that it was cancelled. But I later found out it wasn't. I confronted her and we talked about our feelings. She said that she can't help but lie and I just don't feel comfortable being around people who lie. So we decided to be normal friends instead of best buddies. Is this the right thing to do? Should we even be normal friends?
—Aimee, 14, Australia
Dear Aimee,
You seem to be dealing with two different issues. One is that you were deeply hurt by a friend when you were in primary school. That experience may have had a long-lasting negative impact on your friendships in general. Second, you have a friend who acknowledges lying, saying she can't help it, and you are understandably uncomfortable with a friend who lies. Try to deal with the first issue by examining what's going on with your friendships in general. It's time to let go of the hurt from that long ago friendship so it won't continue to harm your current relationships. If you need help in letting go and moving on, talk with a caring adult or counselor who can support you. As for your second issue, you need to decide whether you can put up with a friend you can't trust. You wouldn't be able to confide in her or take her word for anything. Is that really the kind of friend you want—as a best buddy or even a "normal" friend? Maybe it's time to find healthier relationships.
—Dr. M
Dear Aimee,
I think that the decision you made to talk to your friend about what happened was very mature, and it's completely understandable for you to not want to be best friends with her anymore. If you think that you can still be friends with her at all without getting upset with her, then it's ok to be friends. Hopefully giving her another chance will help her change her ways and stop lying. But if she continues to lie, it's time to end that friendship.
—Liz
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