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Dr. M is the author of five advice books for tweens and teens. Her latest is Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years. She enjoys dancing, reading, working out and talking with young people about the issues that concern them. She holds a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology.
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Liz, a first-year college student, is the co-author of three books: Ask Dr. M and Liz; Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls, and Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? She loves to dance, paint, make collages, hang out with friends and, of course, give advice.
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Dear Dr. M & Liz,
I had a really great friend, but last year she got a boyfriend. We kind of drifted apart, but then her boyfriend dumped her, and she got really depressed. She totally changed. She used to be sweet and funny. Now she is spiteful and rude even though she is back with her boyfriend now. I was one of her only friends who stuck by her while she was so depressed, but now, I don't like her. I want to stop hanging out with her, but I don't want to get on her bad side, and I don't want to depress her. I still care about her, if only because we were friends for so long, but I don't like her. She treats me like crud and expects me to still be there for her. She only has one other friend besides me and her boyfriend, and I'm afraid she will become depressed again if I stop hanging out with her. Any advice on how to handle this?
—Kat, 16, California
Dear Kat,
You can't control whether your friend gets depressed, but you can support her. That, however, doesn't mean that you need to stand for poor treatment from her, and you need to let her know that. Since she is back with her boyfriend and her behavior is still negative, maybe there's something else going on that you don't know about. Tell her what you've observed in her behavior and suggest that she speak to a parent, guidance counselor, or school nurse about her problems.
—Dr. M
Dear Kat,
You're right that if you suddenly stop being friends with this girl, you would end up on her bad side, and that she might become depressed again. I suggest you try talking to your friend about how she's been acting, but try to make it not seem like a confrontation. Make sure the two of you are alone, and use language that does not sound like you are accusing her of being a bad person. Simply explain what you've noticed about her behavior and how that makes you feel. If nothing changes, then it's probably time for you to gradually stop hanging out with her.
—Liz
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