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Dr. M is the author of five advice books for tweens and teens. Her latest is Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years. She enjoys dancing, reading, working out and talking with young people about the issues that concern them. She holds a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology.
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Liz, a first-year college student, is the co-author of three books: Ask Dr. M and Liz; Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls, and Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? She loves to dance, paint, make collages, hang out with friends and, of course, give advice.
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Dear Dr. M & Liz,
One day I spent the night at a friend's house and told her I was starting a band. I think she misunderstood, and she thinks that I told her she could be in it, and I already picked out the members. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I already have too many people as it is. How can I let her down without risking our friendship?
—Stressed Singer, 13
Dear Stressed Singer,
Perhaps your friend misunderstood because she wanted so much to be in your band. Clear up this misunderstanding as soon as possible. Your friend would be very embarrassed if you discussed this with her after she had already told—maybe even bragged—to other kids about being a member of your band. Since you can't add any new members to the band itself, what about asking your friend to do promotional work—perhaps making up flyers—or to organize practice schedules. The idea is to allow her to be part of the band without having her play in it. And if she has the talent you need, you might tell her she could be a substitute if someone couldn't play, or she could replace a member if someone decided to leave the band. But only do this if you would really want her in the band. Don't make a promise that you don't intend to keep, just to prevent hard feelings now. Whatever you say, be sure to remind her that you value your friendship.
—Dr. M
Dear Stressed Singer,
Telling your friend you're starting a band was the right thing to do--she's your friend and you want her to know what's going on. But you probably said it in the wrong way even though you did not mean to. You could try to talk to your friend honestly. Let her know that the members are already in it, which means that you can't let any new members in. Try to explain that the two of you had different ideas about the conversation, and that you're sorry about the misunderstanding. At the same time, do something with your friend--maybe start a club or another new activity--so she won't feel left out of your life.
—Liz
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