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Dr. M is the author of five advice books for tweens and teens. Her latest is Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years. She enjoys dancing, reading, working out and talking with young people about the issues that concern them. She holds a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology.
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Liz, a first-year college student, is the co-author of three books: Ask Dr. M and Liz; Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls, and Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? She loves to dance, paint, make collages, hang out with friends and, of course, give advice.
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Dear Dr. M,
Why am I afraid to talk to people who I don't know that well? Really, it's not conversing with them that scares me, it's taking the initiative to say something, breaking the silence. I think what scares me most though is that I don't want people to know me or about me. I'm scared to be open. Why? Is this normal? How can I fix it?
—Kathryn, 17, Texas
Dear Kathyn,
You might be concerned that people will reject you once they learn more about you. You may prefer to talk with people you already know because you don't have to worry about being judged. You ask if your fears are normal—you should know that lots of people have the same kinds of concerns. But you asked if you can change, and my answer is "absolutely." You are at a point in your life in which you are beginning to recognize that you are losing out on lots of interesting experiences because of your fears. Keep your expectations for change realistic, which means take it slow and steady. Perhaps you can start by just asking a brief question of someone you don't know well. Listen to the answer and then reveal just a bit about yourself. That kind of sharing brings people closer together. In time, you will find that as you allow people to get to know you, you will feel better about yourself.
—Dr. M
Dear Kathyn,
Sometimes I feel the same way, but I used to feel that way almost all of the time. I got better by forcing myself to start a conversation, even though it made me really nervous. I just took a deep breath and thought of something to say. Once you start a conversation, the rest of it isn't so bad. People almost always react well—sometimes they're also just waiting for someone else to say something first. And the more you initiate conversations, the easier it gets. You just have to fake confidence until you really do feel comfortable.
—Liz
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